Balancing Love and Little Ones: Marriage After Kids

Parenthood is a beautiful journey that brings immense joy and fulfillment. The challenges of raising children can seem like tempests at times, testing the very foundations of your marriage. As the dynamics of your life change and evolve with the arrival of children, so too must your relationship. In this blog post, we'll explore the key aspects of nurturing your marriage as you navigate the complexities of #parenthood.

You love your kids, and when you look at your life, you think, “I’d have it no other way.” That said, if you’re reading this, you may have noticed that your marriage takes the back seat more often than you’d like.

Despite the pleasure of having kids in your life, being married with kids is indeed challenging. So, how to make a relationship work with kids? How to have a happy marriage after kids?

Being a parent is a full-time job, and the above is indicative of that fact. Of course, while being married with kids, you must put your kids first, but are you making time for your marriage?

If the answer is no, it’s not too late to start. It’s important to nurture your marriage, but with the aforementioned busy nature of life as a parent, you might wonder how.

It is possible to balance marriage and kids (don't worry, I am figuring this out with you! I am not an expert). Being married with kids doesn’t imply that you need to allow your relationship with your spouse to go downhill while prioritizing parenting in your life. I know, you might be thinking, “people in marriages raise kids together all the time,” and while that’s true (because I tell myself the same thing!), the balance is usually lacking. The younger your kids are, the more you may find you are lacking a balance in your life between the soccer games, gymnastics, daycare or school drop-off and pick-ups, working full-time or SAHM full-time. Your life, like mine, is jam packed with everything except your spouse.

It’s easy to let your marriage slip after having kids. Kids demand so much from us and it can feel like time with your spouse is at the bottom of your “to do” list. I, too, am guilty of allowing my marriage to run on auto-pilot.

Life changes from the moment we welcome home our first child. Yes, its filled with joy and happiness. But as a couple, we are also tested like never before. As mothers, we want to cuddle with our newborns every second we have. This natural obsession leads to marital strains. Of course, as moms, we may not notice this because we are too busy soaking up every moment with our little bundle of joy. This busyness of ours can raise havoc and create tension in our marriage. Eventually, these minor tensions manifest into a storm that can rock our marriage.

Last month, my husband and I celebrated nine years of marriage. While I’m proud of this milestone. Let me tell you – it hasn’t been an easy road for us. Like many, we’ve had our ups and downs. However, we’ve been able to overcome them with courage, patience, and strength.

Anytime I meet someone who has been married for 30, 40, 50+ years I always ask what their secret is. How have they been married so long? Commonly, the husband will pipe up and say, "well I’ve actually been married 5x, because my wife has changed into different people as we’ve been married and it’s the feeling of re-marrying her over and over again". This resonated with me. It was never meant to be negative. This gentlemen was right! So, it got me thinking - I’m not the same person I was 9 years ago when my husband and I got married and I probably won’t be the same person in 9 years from now (my poor husband gets 5 different personalities at one time lol!). My core beliefs and values have and will continue to remain the same but everything else may change.

My husband can’t compare me to the 18 year old he dated, who kind of knew what she wanted in life but didn’t really know. I didn't know who I was - I was quietly dealing with self-esteem and mental health issues. I’m more confident, content and have worked hard on myself in these past years. Yes, I’m a little spicier now than I used to be and could probably say somethings nicer, but that wouldn’t make me how I am. I will advocate and scream from the roof tops for something I believe in. The "old" me would've been too afraid of someone judging her, feeling embarrassed or too shy.

However, I also can’t look at my husband and say "wow I wish you were this way" or "that way, like you were 10 years ago" because he’s also changed. But like me, he has grown into the person he's meant to be. We will go through this transition many more times in our marriage. However, your core goals in life need to be similar, you have to grown together and continue to fall in love with each version of yourselves. Easier said then done right? I guess that’s why 50% of marriages end in divorce.

So with that being said, here are 12 ways to continue to fall in love with your marriage, after having a kid(s):

1. Accept that motherhood is hard, and it’s the hardest job you will ever have and your husband likely won’t be able to understand that. You may feel disappointed in him, or resentment. But remember to think about the big picture, he is your partner in this parenting gig and he likely doesn't expect you to do this alone - talk to him, explain your feelings and tell him what you need. Our husband's will never be able to provide us with support in the ways we need if we don't tell them, trust me - they are not mind readers!

2. Work out a household plan & shared responsibilities! (To all the men and dads out there, meet us half way here ok?) Raising children is a team effort. Sharing responsibilities not only lightens the load but also strengthens your partnership. Make sure you both have time to pursue your interests and hobbies, as well as time to relax and rejuvenate.

3. Should you have already talked about your parenting styles and been on the same page? Probably! Does anyone actually do this? Mmm probably not. Don't forget to talk about what you like about each other's parenting styles, how you can support each other, and any aspects of parenting where you each need improvement.

4. Don’t forget to have sex. Trust me, I know the feeling of being tired, covered in slobber, snot and whatever else (sexy right?) but plan a time to have sex. Yes people joke about making a date for sex but sometimes it’s a must and make the room or wherever you are (no judgement!) as baby free as possible. I’m sorry but there is nothing sexy about stepping on dress up shoes or a toy playing twinkle-twinkle little star.

5. Prioritize "Us" Time. Make together time, family time and plan a time to be alone together. Plan date nights - grandparents love their grandkids and if your lucky enough to have them, take full advantage of a few hours alone to go on a date- do some of the fun things you did before kids. Grand gestures are wonderful, but it's the small, consistent efforts that really matter. You need to make efforts to keep your marriage fresh.

6. Keep perspective when it comes to stress! Don’t forget your spouse is your partner and they are doing the best they can! Don’t forget to compliment them on the things they are doing well. This includes, husbands, spouses, partners - slap her ass when you walk by in the kitchen ok? This reminds us, you still think we are sexy and know we are there.

7. Communication is key! This means have conversations sometimes that aren’t about your kids. My husband and I completely forget to do this and we have to make a conscious effort to take a moment to talk about something aside from our girls. Being married with kids doesn’t mean that you have to talk just about kids, their schedule, their likes and dislikes, or their other issues. You got a life too! Discuss your feelings, expectations, and concerns with your partner. Make time for quality conversations, even if it's just a few minutes after the kids are in bed. Maintaining open and honest communication is paramount.

8. Take time for self care individually. When you are married with kids, you tend to neglect one person the most, and that is yourself! Make sure to dedicate some time for yourself, pursue a hobby or pamper yourself by going to a spa or getting a massage at home. Also, practice self-care exercises or meditation to maintain your physical as well as emotional well-being.

9. Ask about each others dreams, aspirations, and help each other pursue them! A sad thing that tends to happen once kids come into the picture is that the dreams of the children are often fulfilled, and the dreams of the parents fall stagnant. However, one way to combat this is by having conversations with your spouse inquiring about their dreams, showing them you care, and then acting on helping to fulfill them! Watch your spouse come alive with appreciation for you believing in them, and considering them worthy and welcome to chase their dreams with you beside them…even after having kids!!

10. Laugh together! Don’t always take life so seriously. Whether it’s at your favorite movie, comedy special, or a moment so ridiculous you can’t help but laugh. You and your spouse are on the same time, and laughter is an excellent stress reliever!

11. Support Each Other's Growth. (Also discussed in no. 9 - but this is an important one so it needs to be talked about twice!). Parenthood is a period of growth for both parents. Support each other in pursuing personal and professional goals. A supportive partner can be a powerful motivator to achieve your dreams.

12. Lastly, seek professional help when needed. There's no shame in seeking outside help, whether it's through therapy, counseling, or simply confiding in trusted friends. These resources can provide valuable insights and guidance during challenging times. Awareness is almost always the first step to addressing a problem or concern.

It does get easier! Let me repeat that, it does get easier. I’ve been told this time and time again. Honestly, sometimes I feel people who tell me this are full of shit but I’m starting to see this first hand with a 3 year old and 18 month old, there are moments it does get easier. There is a glimmer of hope, so hang in there mama!

Navigating marriage after having children is a continuous journey that requires effort, understanding, and love. It's a process of evolving together as a couple and as parents. As always, don’t be afraid to reach out for help if you need it, and know that if you and your partner work together, you can reach the point of balance needed for a happy, healthy, prosperous marriage with children.

Remember, as you embark on this adventure, your love can continue to grow, evolve, and strengthen, just like the beautiful family you're creating together.

Xoxo,

Another Mama