Embracing Natural Sleep Patterns: The Case for Not Sleep Training Your Baby

In a world where there's immense pressure to follow certain parenting norms, it's essential to remember that there's no one-size-fits-all approach. It doesn't matter if you are a new parent or a seasoned parent, you've probably heard a lot about sleep training your baby. It is everywhere we turn, social media, websites, our mother-in-law's bestfriends cousin, there is always someone suggesting different ways we should put our kids to sleep, what to feed them or the type of diapers to use.

Now with that being said, I am not here to tell you how to raise your children or what you should or shouldn't do . I want to share my own beliefs, what has worked for my family and our experiences. Remember, parenting is a journey, and what matters most is the love, care, and attention you provide to your child. Trust your instincts and do what feels right for your family.

It is a common misconception that if you want your baby to sleep well, you have to do some form of sleep training. I don’t advocate for cry-it-out sleep training. Not graduated extinction or “gentle” variations of the Ferber method or what have you. I’m not worried about my girls using a pacifier, and I don’t stress over elaborate routines and steps to get baby to “sleep through the night” as soon as possible. I respectfully disagree with those experts who tell us that we should sleep train our children. Since there is no research to support that sleep training is necessary to produce “good” sleepers anyway, it’s just something we chose not to do. That doesn’t mean I think poorly of moms who do these things, or parents who feel sleep training is their only option. Sleep training just isn’t something I feel comfortable doing myself, even if it “works.”

When it comes down to it, sleep training isn’t about teaching a baby how to “sleep well.” It’s about teaching a baby how to sleep without you. Now–please–don’t get me wrong: Wanting your baby to be able to sleep without you is a totally valid desire. You are not “a bad mom” or “selfish” or “unreasonable” for wanting to get some sleep at night without someone else touching you or waking you. And sometimes circumstances dictate that baby cannot sleep near you or feed on demand at night.

Now, research on the emotional and psychological effects of sleep training on children is a complex and debated topic. Some studies have raised concerns about the potential negative emotional impacts of certain sleep training methods, while others have not found significant long-term harm. Here are some considerations:

1. Stress and Cortisol Levels: Some studies have suggested that certain sleep training methods, particularly those involving extended periods of crying without parental comfort, can lead to increased stress levels in infants. Elevated cortisol levels (a stress hormone) have been associated with such methods.

2. Attachment and Trust: Critics of some sleep training approaches argue that they may negatively affect the attachment and trust that infants develop with their caregivers. The argument is that leaving babies to cry without comfort may lead to insecurity and distrust.

3. Long-Term Emotional Outcomes: Research on the long-term emotional effects of sleep training is limited and somewhat inconclusive. Some studies have reported no significant adverse outcomes in children's emotional well-being, while others have indicated potential links between early sleep training and later emotional issues.

4. Individual Variability: It's important to recognize that individual differences play a significant role in how babies respond to sleep training. What works for one child may not work for another. Babies have varying temperaments and needs, and their emotional responses to sleep training can differ.

5. Responsiveness and Sensitivity: Some child development experts emphasize the importance of being responsive and sensitive to a baby's needs. They argue that a nurturing and responsive approach to nighttime parenting can promote a sense of security and trust in infants.

So now that you have the research, I want to talk about some of the reasons why we have chosen not to sleep train the girls.

1. Understanding Natural Sleep Cycles:

Babies have their own natural sleep cycles, just like adults. It's essential to recognize that these patterns can be quite different from what we consider the ideal "8-hour night's sleep." Babies often wake up during the night, and this is entirely normal. In fact, it can serve a purpose in their development.

2. Building Trust and Security:

One of the key arguments against sleep training is that it might compromise the trust and security your baby feels with you. Responding to your baby's needs promptly and consistently can help them develop a strong attachment to you, which is vital for their emotional well-being. Remember, my babies didn't spend nine months in my belly, familiarizing themselves with my voice, my husband's voice, and the surrounding sounds, forming a bond in that unique way. We formed our bond after their entrance into the world.

3. Respecting Individual Differences:

Every baby is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. Not sleep training allows you to respect your baby's individual needs and temperament. Some babies naturally sleep longer stretches early on, while others may need more frequent nighttime feeds. By not imposing a one-size-fits-all approach, you're acknowledging and accommodating these differences.

4. Encouraging Self-Soothing:

Contrary to what some may think, not sleep training doesn't mean you can't help your baby learn self-soothing skills. Babies naturally develop these skills over time, and you can support them by providing a calm and secure environment. This gentle approach often results in babies learning to self-soothe at their own pace.

5. Reducing Stress:

Sleep training can be a stressful experience for both parents and babies. The crying-it-out method, for example, can be emotionally distressing for infants. Not sleep training can reduce stress levels for both you and your child, leading to a more harmonious and nurturing sleep environment.

Which is why I strongly believe this: Even though traditional approaches to sleep training aren’t for me or my family, only you can determine if they are appropriate for your family. If you want to sleep train for whatever reason you feel is important, do it! I can’t tell you what will work best for your family any more than you can tell me what will work for mine.

In other words, if your baby isn’t sleeping long stretches even by late infancy, your baby is…pretty normal, actually, and is going to be just fine. My babies were “normal” like this. I get that even “normal” can be frustrating. And it was in those frustrating moments that I had to remind myself this:

COMFORT IS A VALID NEED

We wouldn’t expect adults to turn down a hug from a friend when they’re feeling down, or put their favorite fuzzy blanket back in the closet, on the basis that these things are “just” for comfort. We don’t figure something must be wrong with someone if they don’t sleep as well when a spouse is not next to them in bed. If an adult has a hankering for a midnight snack, we trust they know their own needs rather than assuming it’s just “comfort food.” Comfort is a valid need for adults…but not for babies? We should hold infants to a higher standard? So yes, we comfort feed. We snuggle. We rock. We wear. We make it through the night one day at a time. And it works for us!

My girls have shown me what they need to sleep well, and meeting those needs has helped me figure out how to sleep through the night myself. So I guess, in a sense, you could say I’ve been sleep trained and I’m okay with that.

Babies cry for all types of reasons. Eventually, babies and children learn to self-soothe themselves. It is rare that children wake their parents forever (I am starting to see the truth to this!). They cry from wet diapers sometimes, or maybe they have some other illness or discomfort. I don’t care if they just want to be held, babies learn trust issues as they come to understand their world little by little. It is important that they feel safe and loved.

I chose not to sleep train my children because it’s just not necessary. Babies are meant to wake up during the night. It isn’t them being difficult or anything of the sort, it’s just how babies are. I like to allow my children to set their own routines regarding sleep. I wouldn’t sleep when I didn’t want to or I wasn’t tired, so why should we make babies?

So much emphasis is pushed into parents to make sure their babies are sleeping through the night. While it can be so frustrating and draining to be sleep deprived, it’s just part of being a parent to an infant. If only we pushed for people to just accept that it’s okay if their baby isn’t sleeping through, then maybe people would be less inclined to use methods like Cry-It-Out or force their children to sleep.

Sleep training presumes that babies think like adults, they don’t. When we are scared or anxious we are able to rationalize our emotions and calm ourselves down, or at least most of us can. Some adults don’t have very good emotion regulation skills. I’m sure you know somebody with a short temper?

In order to regulate our emotions a complex chain of neurological events have to take place which requires a high level of brain functioning. Babies do not possess this high level of brain functioning, their tiny brains take time to develop and it’s not physically possible for a baby or toddler to soothe themselves.

The part of the brain that controls regulation is simply not developed in babyhood or toddlerhood. When families choose to sleep train, whether through physical or emotional separation, our babies or toddlers become increasingly agitated. In response, their bodies activate defense mechanisms to conserve energy, eventually resorting to falling asleep as a last line of defense. Tears and emotion are a fundamental part of early childhood. Babies and toddlers have a lot to cry about in the first 5 years of life. It’s a form of communication.

Not sleep training your baby is a valid choice that can lead to a deeper bond, greater emotional well-being, and less stress for both you and your little one. By embracing your baby's natural sleep patterns, you're honoring their uniqueness and allowing them to grow and develop in their own time.

Ultimately, the decision regarding sleep training and its emotional impact on a child is a personal one. Parents should consider the various methods and the available research, but they should also take into account their child's unique temperament, their own values and parenting philosophy. If in doubt, consulting with your pediatrician can offer guidance tailored to your child's needs and your family's circumstances.

Xoxo,

Another Mama